It’s been 6 months since I last saw you. To begin with life was hard, I would often think of you, wanting so much to try and reach out. As time went on, it got easier. But I still never understood why you did what you did.
I was too open from the beginning.
We’d known of each other for years, but we’d never hung out or spoken much. Then, we were talking on social media and then meeting up for the odd coffee. Before I knew it, I was telling you all my life’s stories and you were with me. Within 6 months, you’d become one of my closest friends.
That was my first mistake, I had been too open.Given you too much, too soon.
The first couple of years were bliss.
We were such good friends for years. We did so much together. You were a friend I saw at least twice a month, but one I would speak to throughout the day everyday. We went for dinners, drinks, lunch, coffees, shopping, crazy golf and even a drive in movies.
Our adventures. Ticking off our bucket list, one item at a time.
You were always the one that I would text when something happy, sad, exciting or dreadful happened. You were there to wipe away tears and cause me tears of laughter. Our evenings in, we would talk about everything in our worlds.
We created amazing memories over the years.Ones I cherish still.
Then something shifted.
I’ve got my theories. Ones that have taken time to come to. I remember when you changed. The anxiety and depression crept in for you at a time I was getting better again.
You stopped wanting to hear about the good times in my life. You would also shrug off my bad times too, as if they weren’t that bad. You stopped engaging with my social media. You started getting short and snappy when you weren’t happy. Your mood changed with me. We saw each other less over time.
I often worried I had said the wrong thing, upset you somehow. I worried you had become bitter over my life changing and shifting. You felt exhausted and drained in your own life.
I knew you were struggling, and I tried to reach out.I tried to be there each and everyday to show you that I still cared and wanted to be there for you.
The downward spiral.
Things would yo-yo for a while between us then the downward spiral started. One misunderstanding and you ignored me for a month. We made up, I forgave and forgot the harsh words you said.
I thought we’d be okay again. We were both struggling with our own demons and battles in life. We were there for each other. We started to do fun things again, had plans for the future.
We were meantto go for lunch for my birthday. We never did.
I let slip that things were getting better again. But things were getting worse for you.
Our last conversation we were discussing when we could do lunch, you said you were busy. You weren’t. I said I hoped you’d had a nice week. You said “Thanks”. I knew something had ended.
You ghosted me then.
You then ghosted me out of your life. You never did talk to me again. I wanted to text, I wanted to be there for you but I knew you didn’t want me and for my own sake and battles, I had to turn away. I continued on my own pathway in life, hoping that you would text or call one day.
You never did. You then deleted me off all the social media and we’ve never spoken or connected again.
It broke me.
Then I had to pick myself up and continue with my life.
I don’t understand why you did it. And I could never forgive and forget this time. You could have still had me, as a good friend in your life. I knew you were struggling, but I wanted to be there for you. I wanted to be there for the good and bad days.
I wanted to make more memories. To be your Monica to your Rachel.
Friendships should be equal.
I understand now that it was issues you had going on in your life. Insecurities you felt, bitterness and jealousy. You were never happy when things were going well for me. You didn’t support me through my ups and downs.
I realise now, there was nothing more I could do. This was on you. Friendships should be equal, we should be celebrating each others successe. We should be the shoulder to cry on when things don’t go right.
When a friendship isn’t equal, it wont work out.
I’m sure there is more to it than this. I have unanswered questions. I always will have. I often wonder why you couldn’t have told me what was bothering you so we could have fixed it together.
But as the saying goes, friends are there for a lifetime, a season or a reason.
You taught me what a healthy friendship is and isn’t. It’s helped me to assess my other friendships and make sure the same mistakes don’t happen. You also were there for a season of my life.
A season I’ll never forget. So, I thank you for the memories and I wish you well. Wherever you may be.