I don’t know if it’s just me, but I am really struggling to listen to music right now. In fact, over the past 5 weeks, I have barely listened to any music. I can’t really explain why, other than every single song that I hear reminds me of “normal life“. The life I am missing so terribly right now.
The minute a song starts, it takes me back to some sort of memory from the past. Maybe it was a memory of friends or a holiday. But my mind becomes bursting full. It takes me back to the period in my life when I would have listened to that song the most. Whether they were uni days, or days not even that long ago. All I know is that it takes me right back to when this wasn’t happening.
At times, I surprise myself with how well I am doing. But maybe it’s because I am in a weird sort of bubble that I have put over myself. A bubble where I have just pretended that life is paused. I just have to get through each day, doing my work, helping my children with their school work. Repeat.
It’s only when music plays that I realise that I’m not doing ok. I’m pretending. I’m pretending that things are ok when they’re not. How is this ok? How is being distanced from so many friends and family that I adore ok? How is not being able to pop to the shop for a little something ok? I can’t even order the birthday cards I want and need for my friends and family. When did that become such a complicated process? So no, it’s not ok. None of this is ok.
Music reminds me of that.
I have ventured out once in the past 5 weeks. That was for a click and collect. I listened to music the whole way there and the whole way back, singing my lungs out, feeling the sun warm my face through the car window. I felt tears prick my eyes. They stung. I tried to blink them back and stay calm. Don’t pop the bubble. If the bubble pops, everything sets in. It sets in how rubbish this is right now. Then I won’t be able to pretend anymore and I don’t know how I will cope then. I’ll go back to how I was at the very beginning, when I cried morning, night and day for a week straight. That’s why I formed this protective bubble over me.
Listening to the songs, I closed my eyes. I pictured life before this. A whole life so far of memories rushed by. The tears then rolled ever so slowly down my face. I couldn’t stop them.
They fell. I held the music close to my heart. It reminded me of a beautiful life I have led.
Suddenly those moments that I’d struggled in my past all just washed away. All that remained was beautiful, meaningful memories with friends and family both past and present. It felt good.
Then the car stopped. The music stopped.
The only other time I have listened to music since that car journey was when I was washing up and clearing away one day. It was for motivation to get me to clear up quicker.
Although I felt less emotional, it still was difficult to listen to music. It all still brings back so many memories. That’s why I have chosen not to listen to any recently. Maybe that’s wrong of me. Let’s face it- music has always been a great healer. Maybe it can heal now. But right now, it reminds me too much of “Normal Life”. And that feels so far off, that I need to stay in this bubble for a while longer.
I have to go out Saturday for another click and collect. I will listen to music then. And I will probably cry.
Have you listened to music in lockdown? Do you find it helps? Or are you like me and it brings back too many memories?
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