Guilty or not guilty?

I’ve been in denial with my emotions and feelings and had 2 wake-up calls the last week, so I thought I’d share my experience as this is a crazy situation.

 

Quick History

I’ve been in isolation for almost 2 months. I’m working from home and am grateful I still have a job. My role is in events, which has completely changed over time. I’m having to adapt to the circumstances like everyone else and come to terms with how different the world currently is. I live with my partner, housemate, and 2 cute kittens! I’m quite a creative and adventurous person, every weekend I like to go for a walk and explore different areas, so this lockdown is proving very difficult.

 

Following the rules?

I have been very cautious for the last 2 months. I’ve only gone on small exercise-related walks (even 1 jog!) but one day I needed to have a real ‘break’. Myself and partner travelled 30mins to a local national trust walk – we chose that specific one because it’s quite a hidden gem and we wanted to respect the isolation rules. When we got there, it was closed. This was a kick in the teeth, as I was really looking forward to it. So, we parked for a moment to decide what to do next. This was when my first ‘realisation’ happened. A coast guard in a blue truck pulled up to us and said ‘You’re not going for a walk are you?’. I was honest and said we were planning too, but not anymore. He questioned where we were from and the part that got me was ‘Well we work with the police, and they’re out fining people. Some are in the local town now’.  I didn’t think we were doing anything wrong. We just wanted to go for a long walk – government policy has recently said you can travel to go for exercise, as long as the exercise time is longer than the travel time, it’s not forbidden. After the conversation I felt awful, and on edge. Driving back, I was on the lookout for police, expecting to be fined. A day that I was looking forward to so much, became a day I now remember for the wrong reasons. I’m still a firm believer that we all need to look after our mental health as well as physical, and that situation plummeted my mental health.

 

Trying to be me

Spending almost 24/7 inside a house is going to affect any relationships. You will pick up on niggles and it’s how you deal with them is how the atmosphere will be. Unfortunately, my house situation also went a bit pants. Let’s just say I try and go above and beyond for everyone, and when I don’t feel appreciated and then get quite harsh messages – it really crushes me. This was the second realisation, if the only place you’re meant to be doesn’t make you happy – what can you do? Currently, having a job is a good distraction, but when you’re working from home it’s harder to ‘get away’ from those thoughts and feelings. My main distraction has been gaming, as it does completely take my mind off life for a while. I’ve also ordered some arty supplies to try to get my creative spark back, so fingers crossed for them! Every day I try and remind myself of how lucky I am:

  • I live with my partner – a lot of people are currently isolated away
  • I have 2 amazing cute kittens – they are also a good distraction, but 6am wake ups every day is tiring!
  • I’m in a house not a flat
  • I have a patio area, so can go outside in nice weather
  • I still am working

Even with all these facts, I’m still feeling down. That’s why I titled this guilty or not guilty? I feel guilty for feeling low when I’m so lucky.

 

What’s Next?

The big question. I’m considering looking into apps to make more friendships – this thought also makes me feel pants to the fact I need an app for that, but hey ho ‘nice guys(/girls) finish last’ is very true for me right now. Potentially looking into some online CBT – I need to rewire my destructive brain, and with having some much time, overthinkers are in their element (in a bad way!). I might write more articles, as writing this one is making me come to terms with my feelings a bit more. Although I can’t go into every detail, it helps me step away from the smaller niggles and focus on the bigger picture things.

 

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If you have any recommendations for me, then please leave them in the comments! Or if you relate to my feelings, it would be nice to know I’m not so alone.

Written by Megan

3 thoughts on “Guilty or not guilty?

  1. I can totally relate to your feelings. It really is hard being cooped up in the house all-day everyday. me and my kiddos would go bananas. I’m so thankful that the apartment we live in is downstairs and in the back corner of the building so we have access to a backyard. it legit has been a lifesaver this past month. Giving not only myself fresh air as well as the kiddos but they’re able to express all this built up energy and play outside since we can’t go to the playgrounds and parks 🙁

  2. Great point about the guilt. I am also swinging from happy and fine to worried… And everything in between… But no matter what I’m feeling there’s always a sense of guilt associated with it. If I’m too ok, I feel guilty, if I’m not ok, I feel guilty. I think we can only be aware of these feelings and work to try to process them and let them go.

  3. I can relate to your feelings and I don’t think you should feel guilty for feeling down. This situation has affected all of us in different ways! Keep on holding on to the good things!

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