What 5 things do you like about yourself? Does this come easily to you, or does it take a little extra brainpower?

This is a hard one for me, especially today. I’m going home to see family and I have just thrown on the comfiest clothing I could find, threw my hair up into a bun and haven’t put on makeup (I rarely do). I don’t often feel good about myself, physical appearance or otherwise. I can’t help but think this wouldn’t be the case if I just made more of an effort, but I love comfort and convenience to much to give it up. 

Things have not been good lately both in recovery and my personal life. This is only adding to the self-critical voice in my head, and I’m finding it a little harder to fight lately.  

That being said the prompt needs to be complete. Consider this my way of battling against the negative voice in my head, and coming up with 5 things I like about myself. 

One.

Creativity; Since starting my blog in January, and then publishing it in March, I’ve had a surge of creativity lately.

I’ve always been creative in that I love to write short stories and sketch/paint, but this fell to the wayside in exchange for academic studies. After being signed off sick from work I vowed to find that part of me again through whatever means possible.

It started with learning to knit, then painting our home office and, finally, getting back to writing. I don’t want to speak too soon but I think rediscovering my creative side is actually going rather well. 

Two.

Eyes; My eyes are a constant favourite of mine no matter what. Some mornings they are grey, some afternoons they are blue and sometimes, at no particular time at all, they are an ocean green. These are very slight changes but something I notice because I look at my eyes so much.

Apparently, it’s not odd for that to happen either, and there are a lot of studies to prove that eye colour can be changed due to pupil size, mood, and age! 

Another reason I think I like my eyes is that, unlike my body, eye’s can’t be changed or outwardly judged by others. 

“The beauty of a woman must be seen from in her eyes, because that is the doorway to her heart, the place where love resides.”

Audrey Hepburn

Three.

Empathic/Sensitive nature; There was a time I would have considered this a curse. Hence why I tried to smother all my emotions with the use of destructive behaviours. It’s just not the done things to be sensitive, especially not as a modern, professional woman working among a male-dominated workforce. 

I realise now that this isn’t so much a curse as a gift! I can embrace my sensitivity and use it to help others. I’ve found that I’m extremely open to other peoples emotions, and I seem to have a knack to know what needs to be said and to who. I can’t help it if I’m more inclined to give someone the benefit of the doubt, or that I have a very understanding and diplomatic personality; That’s just me. 

I want to help the world and the people in it. I want to listen and give advice when needed, and so far that has served me pretty well in my own recovery. My lack of confidence in this still gets in my way when speaking to family, but when trying to help a friend or a stranger, it just flows naturally. 

I need to hone those skills and feed that part of myself, rather than starving it. 

Four.

Determination; My own determination often surprises me. That is that I am taken off guard with my own ability to drive myself to success. If someone is disappointed in me or tells me I can’t do something, I’ll work at it until I make it! This is especially true at the moment in regards to my blog! I am more determined than ever to make this work! 

Not only that but after the passing of my grandfather last week I feel that I owe it to him to not only get myself right but to let go of the stress and shoot for happiness. 

Five.

Resilience; The last few days of my life have been anything but perfect. The same could be said for the last few months but to a lesser extent. 

This past week I lost my grandfather, a wonderful man who meant the world to me and his family. I was there when he died. I cried, I carried tea and sandwich at the wake, I mourned at the funeral and now I am grieving. I always imagined that when I would lose those closest to me that I would also fall down with them. I imagined that I was too weak to cope with loss, but it isn’t the case. Surprisingly. 

The maintenance of my meal plan has not gone according to plan and I managed to run almost 72 hours on a few sandwiches at most. That’s grief and busyness of a wake. Yes, I should have tried harder, but no matter. 

My resilience is something to be admired, and I never thought I would ever say that about myself. 

I know part of recovery is learning to talk to yourself and love yourself for who you are, but it’s so hard to break a lifetime of self-hatred in a matter of weeks or months.

I don’t know if I will ever learn to like myself let alone love myself, but I will certainly give it my best shot!